The Guidance Counselor

The Guidance Counselor 

It is now time to tackle one of life's greatest mysteries, Guidance Counselors, the one variable that the higher education system did not take into account when devising the admissions process. That fork in the road that everyone talks about in journeys of growth and self-discovery, but instead of a lifeless metaphor, it is a homely person with an affinity for small mammals and bad advice. When looking back we should have avoided this individual like the plague. But, our naive former selves were too nice and ultimately huge suckers for unwarranted compliments and free candy. As we sit in the broom closet converted to an office we wonder, "Shit, I am glad the local school board appropriation committee took this so seriously." Another thing you notice is that there is a mug sitting on their desk with a catchy motivational saying on it for example, "Look on the bright side." If this does not lift your spirits you have the equally vile sayings haphazardly plastered across the paste colored cinderblock walls. They always have a smile on their face. That is the weirdest  part of the whole ordeal. You literally could have said, "I just killed your small (insert dog/but most likely cat) and they would have shrugged it off like they stubbed their toe. As he or she begins to talk, cue the downfall of your future. They usually give you a survey, which ends with an outcome placing you in the lowest taxable bracket. You know its not going to happen, but your foreseeable confidence is shot. Then they give you pamphlets about schools in which you would never attend, because their personal fears of rejection are being projected onto your frail body. It proceeds with bits of useless information that add up to nothing. You eventually have the awkward so how is everything going/life conversation. Directly following this exchange, you grasp at the doorknob, as if you were Chuck Noland screaming for Wilson your lonely beach ball companion. It’s to late, your mind fucked, if only that sexual harassment course in period two warned me about mind rape.